This is the first of a series of six journal writings from 2016 when I lived in “The Drive” neighbourhood in Vancouver, which when I first arrived in 1981 was known as Little Italy. I lived in Little Italy for one year in the 80s and then The Drive for 12 years from 2006-2018. In 2016, as part of my artistic practice, I tried to document my attempts at talking to strangers and finding community. Each entry represents, more or less, what I experienced that day. On re-reading these entries, now in 2022, I have edited them for clarity and other things, such as debating what and how much to share, as well as adding current thoughts.
Wednesday, May 25 2016
I just asked a woman out for coffee because I thought she sounded interesting and I always enjoy meeting new people, making new connections, expanding my circle of friends. But how are you to respond to someone that says, in the middle of your coffee date: “Was there a reason why you asked me out?” This caught me off guard. What??? It is not easy to make the first step. But I did. I can’t believe that my invitation is met with suspicion. [I first met the woman at our building while she was doing some work there.]
Ok, I’ll confess. Yes, I thought I might ask her to be one of my participants in my loneliness zine series. But she wouldn’t have known about that project so couldn’t have guessed that that was the reason. Anyway, she’s definitely off the list now.
Do I give off a certain vibe? Of neediness? Of ulterior motives? I hope not, but obviously, I did.
This business of making friends is a complicated one. The business of feeling connection and connected is also complicated. I wish for simple interactions, where you can go to a public space and have a chat with whoever is there. No commitment, no expectations, just chance encounters. But such places are not easily chanced upon in Vancouver, partly I think it has to do with urban design, and partly it’s the culture of a place (which may be heavily affected by urban design), perhaps the weather has something to do with it, and rate of growth, and therefore mobility. Nevertheless, I had a strategy.
I started cultivating a spot—the outside seating area of a cafe—because I noticed it had two groups that regularly met there. So, I thought, perhaps if I show up regularly, I will start connecting with some of these regulars. But it appears that showing up is not enough. I don’t belong to either group—one is a group of seemingly politically radical citizens, and the other is made up of Polish older men—there’s no lack of variety on The Drive.
I’m an outsider trying to infiltrate their group. A chat is all I want but I don’t know the password. I feel invisible and demanding. Even bringing the dog, does not help as an icebreaker. Sigh, things are so complicated nowadays. The city, with its influx of people, coming and leaving, is not the easiest of places to find community.
After my disappointing coffee date, I walked back home a different way so I could walk alone with the dog a bit. I bumped into the old, grumpy Slovak walking his daughter’s two french bulldogs. There is a bench in front the apartment building he was walking by. He sat as he saw me approaching. A gesture, an invitation, I think, to stop and talk. So I took it, even if being a little wary of what type of mood he’d be in. But of course, he only has one setting—grumpy. That’s fine by me. He always has some insightful thoughts about life— mixed in with the right amount of rancor of course.
He says he does not like to do things if they are orders. He does not enjoy doing them. His boss—from many moons ago—gave up giving him orders. But he did his job as he knew it must be done, so there was never a complaint from the boss. I can relate to this response to orders. I have never been able to keep jobs for very long. I am too independent to have someone tell me how and when. At times, this feels like a curse—I think my independence shows in the cover letters I write for the jobs I have applied for. I hardly ever get a response. But that isn’t just about me, it is a symptom of the times. It is not deemed necessary anymore to acknowledge receipt of an application. Everyone is so inundated with email and to do lists, that civility has gone down the drain. It just isn’t a part of business etiquette anymore. A book on letter writing, published in 1942, has a section on “Routine Business Letters.” Acknowledgements is one of the areas in which they instruct you on the proper etiquette of writing such missives.
This shift to ignore is not just a symptom of today’s overwhelming flood of messages. In the late nineties, I worked for a commercial art gallery. When we posted a job announcement, it went in the newspaper. When we received resumes, they were faxed to us. We received many responses but only contacted the ones we were interested in. But if we interviewed three candidates, I would make the rejection call to the unlucky applicants. Imagine that! Calling to say thanks, but no thanks. Today, you won’t necessarily get a rejection response, even if you have been interviewed—this is now done by email of course, if it is done at all. Where will this gradual decline of courtesy lead? What will be the norm in twenty years? And do we just let it happen?
Another example of modern standards of communication: I called and left a message for a hair appointment with a woman who has a home-based business. I like the tone of her website—not flashy, more like this is what I believe in. I never got a call back to my phone message. I got a text instead. I mean, I’ve never talked to you but I like that you are running a cool business from home, but you don’t think you should return a phone call with a phone call? Getting a text back, was strange to say the least. It would be different if her website asked to text for an appointment. It didn’t.
These little things—the accumulation of them—tell us a lot about he times we live in. They speak volumes, and they breed disappointment in humanity.
*
*some present day thoughts ~ 2022*
On habits: the Polish men and the ‘seemingly politically radical citizens’ are successfully engaged in a habit loop. They get up in the morning, which, after a shower and what not, triggers a routine, it is time to go to the usual café to drink coffee where they will be rewarded with conversation and community. The reward is good—conversation and community, so soon enough they crave this ritual. Community, it turns out is a key factor in maintaining some habits (good and bad I suppose). A community engaged in an action together, implicitly says ‘we believe in this, this is important’ (e.g. Alcoholics Anonymous). 1
I, on the other hand, tried out several coffee shops on The Drive (there are many!) but could never find one that offered community, so never committed to any one.
One could say that the two groups mentioned above were cultivating a spot, claiming specific seating outside the café, each at opposite ends, and adding value to the spot through their ritual meetings.
Cultivate a Spot became the title of a piece I acted out in May 2016. On several occasions, I deposited food at an out-of-use telephone booth and then stood at a distance as I observed and documented (via notes) reactions of people walking by the unexpected encounter. In retrospect, I think, it was a weird way of connecting to my neighbourhood (mind you, it was inspired by the obsessive and investigative French artist Sophie Calle, and it was a way to experiment with actions and interventions as art).
The original journal entry above, from 2016, brings up many questions. How do we decide when attempts at finding community are futile? In looking for community, are we trying to fit into something that is not us? Is that what makes some attempts failures? Trying too hard? Why do some cities feel better than others? Vancouver is well-known (by those that are not from here) for how difficult it is to make new friends. What is it about Vancouver that makes it so? I am getting started on a book by Richard Sennett, titled Bulding and Dwelling: Ethics for the City, which I hope will offer some new insights, especially in regards to urban design.
I’ve been reading The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg, 2013